Books · Relationships
Book summary and verdict
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
This book says men need caves, women need listening, and your marriage is basically astronomy. Annoyingly, the useful bit works: ask whether your partner wants comfort or solutions. The rest is a planetary alibi for Dave avoiding the dishes.
Should you read it?
Read it if every unhappy sentence makes you reach for an imaginary wrench, because asking “Comfort or solutions?” may genuinely save you. Ignore the claim that gender answers for us. If biology handled communication, nobody would be crying in a parked car outside IKEA.
L.Men fix, women feel, and every marital argument can apparently be blamed on interplanetary immigration. I tried asking whether someone wanted comfort or solutions, and annoyingly, that part worked. The planets were less useful, since nobody gets diplomatic immunity from basic consideration.
The ideas
I · Listening
Sometimes people tell you a problem because they want help, and sometimes they just want one human face that does not become a hardware store.
Someone says, “Work was awful,” and my brain immediately starts a little repair business. I suggest talking to the manager, which is perfect, because nothing comforts an exhausted person like assigning them another meeting.
Listening should be easy. You sit there, nod, let the person finish, but three sentences in, I am conducting an investigation. “When did this start? What have you tried?” Jesus Christ, she wanted a boyfriend, not intake at urgent care.
Apparently women bring up a problem for comfort and men bring it up for an answer. Really? Half the men I know announce a bad day, reject every suggestion, then tell it again louder. By round three, you are apologizing for traffic you were not even in.
Ask, “Do you want ideas, or do you want me to listen?” Otherwise a person brings in one miserable feeling and somehow leaves with homework.
L.She wanted him to say, “That sounds awful.” He produced an agenda.
II · Space
Taking space is healthy. Vanishing is a breakup performed by a coward with notifications off.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
III · Distance
If somebody keeps leaving to see whether you will wait, that is not romance. That is a fire drill run by an asshole.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
IV · Care
Love is seldom killed by one grand betrayal. Usually it gets pecked to death by wet towels and the words, "I was going to."
The rest of this idea is in the app.
What to actually do
When your partner brings you a problem, ask, “Do you want comfort, or do you want ideas?”
Smaller: If they choose comfort, say, “That sounds awful. What happened next?”
L.Do not jump to “Have you considered quitting?” One rude meeting is rarely a request to lose dental coverage by dinner. Wait until they ask before offering advice.
If you need a break during an argument, name the return time: “Give me thirty minutes. We’ll talk at eight.”
Smaller: Put it in your phone, cool down, and return when you promised.
L.Leave it vague and they will rehearse both sides. By the time you return, you have lost three arguments you never attended. Set the time. Come back and do your half.
For the first ninety seconds of a complaint, listen. Then say, “Tell me more.”
Smaller: While they talk, do not correct details, explain your intentions, or prepare a closing argument.
L.A courtroom objection has never made a kitchen sexier. Summarize what you heard before you answer.
Tonight, finish one household job before anyone asks. Take out the trash, unload the dishwasher, or put away what you walked past.
Smaller: Use the whole definition of the job. Taking out the trash includes replacing the liner.
L.The bag’s exciting new life beside the front door is not stage two.
Say it plainly: “We never resolve problems because you keep leaving.”
Smaller: Choose a specific day and time to continue, then notice whether they arrive.
L.If they skip it again, stop debating their intentions. You are dating the behavior, not the press release. Count returns, not apologies.
Still in the app
- What happened when people tried them
- Bullshit?
- Where readers disagree
- The one thing worth remembering
The rest of this book is in the app.
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