Books · Communication
Book summary and verdict
How to Know a Person
David Brooks says listen instead of preparing your brilliant reply, which is annoying, because your spouse turns out to have a detailed case against you. With dates.
Should you read it?
Read it if you turn other people's problems into advice, rebuttals, or a tasteful anecdote about yourself. Skip it if you already listen well, though the people around you should probably handle that assessment.
L.I let someone finish. Their problem was not secretly about me. A difficult result for my autobiography.
The ideas
I · Attention
Ask a real question, then let the answer ruin the speech you were rehearsing.
Brooks divides people into Illuminators and Diminishers. Illuminators make people feel interesting, understood, and somehow larger. Diminishers make people feel like they have been trapped at lunch with a LinkedIn post.
Good listening means letting another person finish without using the middle of their sentence to rehearse yours. I tried it, and there is an alarming amount of sentence after the part where I usually stop listening.
Attention, Brooks says, is an on-off switch, not a dimmer. You are either with the person or you are not. Of course, we pretend there’s a middle setting. You’re telling me about your divorce. I’m listening, but I’m also checking whether a stranger liked a photograph of my sandwich. That counts, right?
L.Let them finish. Your identical story will survive.
II · Questions
Most questions are just conversational paperwork.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
III · Scenes
Ask what actually happened. Your memory somehow gave you better dialogue and the moral high ground.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
IV · Listening
Let them finish. Your story isn’t leaving, mostly because you tell it everywhere.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
V · Presence
You don’t have to cure them. Just sit there and fight the heroic urge to turn their worst day into your advice podcast.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
What to actually do
Pick one conversation tonight. While they’re talking, notice which service your brain offers first: fixing, defending, topping, or becoming fascinated by your phone. For ten seconds, decline all four.
Smaller: Put the phone face down. Let them finish, including the moment when you’re positive they’re done and realize they were only taking a breath.
L.Your brain has arrived with solutions. Nobody called it.
Ask one question that can’t be answered with “fine.” Try, “What was that like for you?” or “What happened next?” Then shut up.
Smaller: You’re trying to know somebody, not have them crying into the shared appetizer before the food arrives.
L.One real question. Easy on the childhood warrant.
When they finish, say back what you heard: “You want me to understand why you’re angry, not fix it. Right?”
Smaller: Let them correct you. You have been misunderstanding them for years with tremendous confidence.
L.It may feel robotic. So did the apology you rehearsed in the car.
Before telling your related story, ask one more question. Your autobiography will still be there thirty seconds from now, pacing behind your teeth.
Smaller: If they say, “I barely slept,” do not defend your heavyweight title with “I haven’t slept properly since 2017.”
L.Do not top. The belt is safe.
When someone is hurting, say, “That sounds unbearable.” Then stay quiet and remain there without rushing toward a lesson or a bright side.
Smaller: Their roof has collapsed. This is not the moment to compliment the natural light.
L.Stay with the bad news. It has not requested renovations.
Still in the app
- What happened when people tried them
- Bullshit?
- Where readers disagree
- The one thing worth remembering
The rest of this book is in the app.
Skip the Book reads the self-help books so you don't have to: what each one argues, what happened when real people tried it, which claims are exaggerated, and what to do tonight. 108 books and counting, new ones most days.
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