Books · Communication
Book summary and verdict
Nonviolent Communication
Rosenberg says name what happened, what you felt, what you need, and one actual request, because “you’re selfish” is not a feeling. Which is awful news if blame is the only thing you two still do together.
Should you read it?
Read it if asking someone to load the dishwasher becomes a documentary about everything they have ever done. Skip it if you can already state what happened, name what you need, and hear no without dragging Christmas three years ago into it. It can help decent people communicate. A bully with better vocabulary is still a bully, now with subtitles.
L.I tried the four moves: say what happened, what I felt, what I needed, then ask for one actual thing without prosecuting anybody. Apparently “you are ruining my life” is three accusations in a trench coat. The method worked, which was annoying because I had prepared closing arguments.
The ideas
I · Observation
“Say what happened before your brain turns one dirty mug into a biography called The Monster I Married.”
The first move is observation: say only what a camera could record. “She checked her phone twice” is footage. “She has never respected me, and this explains Thanksgiving” is the prestige miniseries your brain ordered.
Not: “You are a lazy parasite who apparently believes socks migrate naturally.” Try: “There have been socks under the coffee table for three mornings.”
The second sentence is less satisfying. Of course it is. Murder is also more satisfying than conflict resolution for about eight seconds. We have laws because satisfaction is not always a great compass.
L.Stick to what happened. “He sighed” is a fact. “He hates this family” is you solving a murder that did not occur.
II · Feeling
“Saying ‘I feel you’re selfish’ is calling someone an asshole through the wellness entrance.”
The rest of this idea is in the app.
III · Need
“Wanting peace means wanting the fight to end. Wanting agreement means it ends when everyone admits you won and thanks you for the experience.”
The rest of this idea is in the app.
IV · Request
“If ‘no’ makes you list every favor you have done since 2009, that was a demand with a question mark.”
The rest of this idea is in the app.
What to actually do
Pick one recurring argument. The dishes. The lateness. The phone at dinner. Privately write four lines: What literally happened? What did I feel? What did I need? What specific action could I request?
Smaller: Keep the first draft private because it will be insane.
L.Feeling: Murder. Request: Throw his phone into the sea. Good. You’ve begun. Now try again.
Turn the request into something concrete and survivable. “Could we put our phones away for fifteen minutes while we talk?” works. “Could you start caring about this family?” is a character assassination with a question mark taped to the end.
Smaller: If a no triggers punishment, guilt, sulking, or a three-day emotional hostage situation, it was a demand wearing natural fibers.
L.A request must survive no.
Before trying the new wording, ask permission: “I keep handling this conversation badly. Can I try saying it differently?” Then say one feeling, one need, and one request in ordinary language.
Smaller: After that, stop talking. The other person may use this opportunity to be completely incorrect.
L.Let them answer anyway. Otherwise this is your podcast, and you married the hostage.
When someone says something that usually makes you counterattack, take two breaths and silently guess the need underneath it. The angry coworker may need certainty. The defensive partner may need dignity.
Smaller: Do not say your guess aloud. You’re not a mall psychic.
L.If your shoulders drop half an inch, congratulations. That is basically enlightenment. Don’t start a podcast.
Still in the app
- What happened when people tried them
- Bullshit?
- Where readers disagree
- The one thing worth remembering
The rest of this book is in the app.
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