Books · Communication
Book summary and verdict
Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People
Vanessa Van Edwards teaches you where to stand, what to ask, and what to do with your hands, because apparently talking to another person is a hostage negotiation and somehow you're both the cop and the hostage.
Should you read it?
If social situations make you nervous, yes. The scripts give your brain something to do besides report a hostage situation. If you already own six charisma books, call a friend before buying another framework for calling a friend.
L.The advice is to look open, ask specific questions, and notice when people want to leave. I practiced the recommended eye contact. The waiter confessed nothing. Best of all, it permits you to skip gatherings you already dread. At last, research supports the sofa.
The ideas
I · Thrive
Maybe do not work the room. Maybe the room is terrible.
Van Edwards divides social environments into three categories: thrive, neutral, and survive. Thrive environments make you feel relaxed and interesting. Survive environments make you stand beside a plant for forty minutes while pretending you came specifically to study the plant.
Her advice is surprisingly humane. Stop forcing yourself into survive environments. If you hate loud bars, stop going to loud bars to meet people. You are not going to become charismatic there. You are going to become a person shouting “WHAT?” into the ear of somebody whose name you never heard.
L.You may not be shy. The bar may simply be awful.
She also maps the room. Near the door, people are arriving and immediately acting busy. The center belongs to people who can introduce themselves without needing water afterward. Along the edges, grown adults clutch one drink for forty minutes because putting it down would leave them alone with their hands.
The supposed sweet spot is near the bar, where people emerge holding drinks and, for about eight seconds, do not belong to anybody yet because they are still trying to locate their friends. That is your window. You are not meeting people. You are ambushing them before they can reach somebody they chose.
II · Signal
I used to be awkward for free. Now I have a system.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
III · Ask
Ask better than “How are you?” They already lied.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
IV · Notice
Remember one detail. It feels like affection now.
The rest of this idea is in the app.
What to actually do
Replace “How was your day?” with “What was the best part of your day?” Then listen.
Smaller: They have to choose an actual moment, so “fine” cannot do all the work.
L.Now you have a real conversation. Do not ruin it by telling them a longer story about yourself.
Name one social environment you consistently hate. The next time it comes up, do not go. Choose somewhere you might naturally have something to say.
Smaller: Maybe you are not socially anxious. Maybe the room is terrible.
L.Finally, a self-help technique with a strong chance of completion.
For the first minute of your next conversation, put your phone away, keep your hands visible, and look at the person while they speak.
Smaller: Do not calculate an eye-contact percentage. Occasionally look away so they know you are not planning to wear their skin.
L.You are not less awkward. You just have a dashboard now.
Say one true, specific good thing about somebody. Mention what they explain well, notice quickly, or make easier.
Smaller: People like being seen. Fake praise has the same smell as a child calling you handsome three seconds before asking for money.
L.Mean it. That is the entire advanced protocol.
Still in the app
- What happened when people tried them
- Bullshit?
- Where readers disagree
- The one thing worth remembering
The rest of this book is in the app.
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